


Over the years (Again and again)

by Crimsun



Series: The Nohyuck Two Hit Wonder [2]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Angst, Fluff, M/M, mentions of slight homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-02
Updated: 2017-11-02
Packaged: 2019-01-26 07:57:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12552836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crimsun/pseuds/Crimsun
Summary: Fate has finally found him for you. You’ll meet him again and again. You’ll fall in love with him over and over. He will love you back each time. You’ll live happily each time. This is Fate’s gift to you, oh good soul. Be grateful. Some lives, you may not live long, some, he may not. But your love will transcend all of earthly existence. Some lives, it may not be the love you want but he’ll be by your side nonetheless. You are his. He is yours. Let it be that way forever.





	Over the years (Again and again)

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys,
> 
> This was a product of my author blues after the Jeno death fic I wrote before. This was supposed to be fluff. I swear I tried. Also, look out for a cameo appearance of a section from 'Good at Goodbyes' which was my last fic. I thought it went well with this storyline. You can read this work as a standalone too but it would be better to read this after that but no pressure y'all.
> 
> This was written after my lovely commenter Hannydw requested a fluffy Nohyuck fic(I warned you that I suck at fluff) and zennn who was also another lovely commenter who hoped that I'd do a nohyuck fic. This is dedicated to Bhea, a lovely mutual of mine who is a lovely person and hypes my works up all the time(Thank you, dear!)
> 
> English is not my first language so read at your own risk. I apologize in advance for any mistakes and inaccuracies.
> 
> Prepare for disaster.
> 
> Peace. I love you all.
> 
> PS : Thank you, Lyo.
> 
> PPS : A shoutout to that one anon who checks up on me. I'm really grateful.

**Fate has finally found him for you. You’ll meet him again and again. You’ll fall in love with him over and over. He will love you back each time. You’ll live happily each time. This is Fate’s gift to you, oh good soul. Be grateful. Some lives, you may not live long, some, he may not. But your love will transcend all of earthly existence. Some lives, it may not be the love you want but he’ll be by your side nonetheless. You are his. He is yours. Let it be that way forever.**

***

The first time Jeno meets Donghyuck is when the moon is high up in the sky, it’s light reflecting on the glossy hanbok of the other. He hears him before he sees him that time. They befriend each other first and even if Jeno doesn’t know that he is his, he falls in love with the boy with the angelic voice all the same.

They create a schedule for each other, devoting time that they felt like they need to give each other. Every few days, Donghyuck comes by to Jeno’s hut with a smile that rivals the sun. He stretches out on the floor and sings for hours on end during those evenings, filling Jeno’s fist-sized heart with euphoria. Even hours after his leaving, his home would echo back the exact notes he sang and it would ring in his heart, preparing him for the three days which would inevitably follow with nothing but the welcome monotony of attempting to heal the weary and the sick.

The healer and singer of the province of Seogyeong live happily during that lifetime but are constantly asked invasive questions. They don’t answer many and even if they are plagued by interrogation sessions by the natives, the love between the two boys is never exposed. The ones who know keep their mouths shut, knowing deep in their hearts that love conquers all. The ones who doubt waste their numerous questions on a pair who decide that they would never entrap themselves to the torturous plight of public ridicule and punishments. They don’t marry each other in that lifetime but they confess their love, hidden inside the four weak walls of a house. They whisper the syllables that convey the depth of their feelings, sensing that there were ears listening in, even if the doors and windows were shut tight. 

They die together in that lifetime, the Joseons setting the province on fire as a warning to the ruler King Taejo of the Goryeo dynasty. They burn to death but Jeno swears even during his last breath that nothing warms him quite like Donghyuck’s touch does. The flames engulf them the next moment and they close their eyes, death speeding and colliding with them like the explosion of a star.

***

The next time, Jeno is an excellent warrior; one appointed to protect the Prince, Donghyuck at all times. The Prince is slightly snobby courtesy of his upbringing but kind and well-intentioned regardless. He is not the heir to the throne, his elder brother the one chosen, so Donghyuck is a free soul in that lifetime; something that contributes much to the panicked late night and early morning hunts for him by his loyal bodyguard. This side of Donghyuck’s soul unsettles Jeno’s but he isn’t the same as the previous lifetime too, being more rugged, less calm and not outspoken. The warrior in Jeno gets used to it and in time, love blossoms between the two fated to end up together.

The Prince’s love for travelling and his impulsive actions become the little quirks that Jeno comes to adore. He never confesses but then Donghyuck starts dropping hints and on the night of Taeyong’s coronation, the new King calls his brother’s loyal guard up.

“Do you promise to protect him forever?”

Jeno nods with conviction, one knee still bent, half-kneeling in front of a royal he knows would create history through his righteousness.

“Shall I take that promise as one that would lead to me denying any and all proposals for my brother?”

Jeno raises his head up then, Taeyong pulling him up by his shoulders, hands soft and so unlike a king’s.

“I fear that I do not know the Prince’s will, Your Majesty.”

He says sincerely, hesitating as he told himself that the coy smiles, coquettish looks and the random sleepovers could very well be just intense companionship in the eyes of the Prince.

“But I do, Warrior Jeno. I know my brother and I’m certain of his wishes. I didn’t hear denial of your feelings in your words, so shall I take that as an affirmative?”

Jeno nods much like the first time and he bows to the king, his smile gentle and serene before a cloud of worry hazes over his expression.

“I loathe asking this of you but you do realize that this must be kept under wraps, yes? No matter how hard I wish for it to not happen, my brother will be shunned for loving a man and there is only so much I can protect him against. Do you promise to not let your love leave the confines of this palace?”

Jeno understands and he nods, vocalizing his affirmation, pleased that the king approves of their relationship. He knows that even the king can’t save his brother from the poisonous words of the world.

That night he enters Donghyuck’s room after a curt knock and kisses him softly on his plush cerise lips, trying to convey all that he ever could in that single touch. The Prince doesn’t respond for a daunting moment but then, he freefalls into the warrior’s hand, his hands caressing the hair on the other’s neck.

Jeno dies first in that lifetime, taking arrow after arrow for his beloved but he dies with a smile for two reasons: for being able to die in the arms of Donghyuck and for fulfilling the promise he made to the king of protecting him forever.

Donghyuck lives for long even after Jeno’s death, understanding better than to dishonour his loved one’s sacrifice. He takes his last breath at the age of seventy-eight, flashing back to their first kiss, his memory still as fresh as the day it happened.

***

They met one too many times during the Joseon era; as soldiers and kings, as servants and neighbours, Fate always being merciful, letting their love flourish like a flame in the wind; bright and blazing. Once a soul tells Jeno that Donghyuck is his Fated and he engraves that into the very atom of his existence. He forces himself to remember that every time he is reborn but even if he never does, they end up together anyway. 

History was being made and their souls witnessed it side by side, every single time. The Japanese occupation of their country, the ambitions of the greedy ruler which inevitably led to the annexation by the Chinese and the catapulting of the country back to the Japanese sphere of influence; Donghyuck and Jeno saw it all, their existence insignificant to history but Fate’s favourite storyline nevertheless. Living and loving were sometimes hard but they pushed through with dedication, taking all the good and the bad gracefully, knowing better than to ask for more when Fate herself wove it for them. 

Fate experimented and flicked them between the spheres of friendship and love but they remained loyal to each other even if one of them fell in love with someone else in some lives. The gravitational pull they felt in each other’s orbits was hard to ignore; almost impossible and every glance was warmth; just the intensities varying. They burned in the fire of each other’s passions in some lifetimes and in some, their only source of warmth was the other. Fate’s games could control their bodies and their hearts, but their souls found each other desperately in the next; the intensity of what they felt multiplying in every lifetime. They met like night met day; so mundane yet celestial, crafted by divinity themselves.

***

Jeno didn't want to come to the club on a Friday night. He had been dragged by his roommate, a senior, Jung Jaehyun who was secretly(?) crushing on the gorgeous bartender. He wouldn’t have come had it not been for the guilt poking his conscience about how the elder had helped him for the finals the year before. So he had unwillingly thrown on the clothes Jaehyun picked out for him and sat still as his roommate’s friend, Sicheng styled his messy black hair.

Jaehyun being the obvious whipped man he was had lost all posture the moment his eyes landed on the bartender. Jeno had tuned out the rest of the conversation as the Chinese male dragged his best friend towards the bar. He had followed too but he had changed seats soon after. Sicheng had started flirting with a new bartender, smiling coyly at the Japanese man, both of them talking in slightly broken Korean. 

Adorable. Note the sarcasm. Fifthwheeling wasn’t very enjoyable unless you were interested in others’ love lives which Jeno wasn’t. So, definitely not the best experience.

He just wanted to go to his room and collapse on his bed. He had so much work to finish during the weekend(Yes, Jeno, lie to yourself about stuff you already finished) and he frowned at himself for being so compliant with his roommate’s plans. He turned his head to the flirting pair and snorted at the blush colouring Jaehyun’s boy’s neck. 

At least someone benefitted from this night out which sounded like a prelude to a disastrous weekend. He prayed for a whining-free weekend, comprehending in advance that it was too much to ask of the ones upstairs. A whining Jaehyun was a Jaehyun that Jeno hated handling. He hoped that Youngho wasn’t busy in case of a tragic end to the clubbing experience. If the pretty boy rejected him, his roommate would be devastated and he would need the taller man for backup along with Sicheng.

He took a sip of lukewarm coke and grimaced as the taste registered in his mouth. He put the can down and looked around.

There was a boy with hair as coal as black on the dance floor, his friend, a boy with a wide grin that showed all his teeth was embarrassingly flailing his arms around. The boy’s hair was messily parted and it fell in aesthetically wavy strands, framing his forehead. The thick black eyeliner had obviously worked its magic and Jeno could testify anywhere that no one had captured his attention so fast before. 

The taller and brawnier man who stood behind the subject of Jeno’s gaze, trying to pretend like he wasn’t pushing at the obviously younger boy, stood out like a sore thumb. He also noticed another man behind them, much older, pretending to dance and stumble against the boy repeatedly. He squinted as he looked at the boy, the flashing lights colouring his face with multiple hues, familiarity drifting in unsourced. 

The boy with the wide grin whispered something to another boy who looked their age. They looked like they were close friends. The boy nodded and speed walked to the bar.

Jeno wanted to know how long the boy would stand there, obviously uncomfortable yet avoiding reacting to avoid a fight from breaking out. The wide-grinned boy moved slightly to the left as he danced, movements sharper and Jeno saw realization dawning on his face. He was out of his seat as soon as it happened.

One of the men groped the first boy, pushing the wide-grinned boy to the ground as he yelled at them. The first boy was hugged forcefully from the back and blood boiled in Jeno’s veins. The people around them froze as Jeno pulled the boy out of the well-built man’s hands, landing a punch to his jaw in the next moment.

The other man yelled profanities at him, aiming a punch at his cheek which Jeno dodged. But he wasn’t safe for long as the first man kicked him behind his knees, making him stumble forward into the other man who landed the punch successfully in his second attempt. The boy with the black hair unfroze and got up from the floor, trying to hold the men back in vain as the other boy ran to the exit shouting for the guards.

Jeno received two more punches during the time he was distracted but before he knew it, Jaehyun and the Japanese bartender along with the guards came rushing. They pulled the men away but not before Jaehyun landed some kicks on them, the pretty boy pulling the angered elder man off them.

“When did you become such an idiot?”

Sicheng asked, his usual calm demeanour long gone.

“You should have seen that fucker… he was all over him… Fucking sick!”

Even thinking about it made his blood boil in rage. Some part of him asked why the feeling was so intense.

Jaehyun sighed.

“And you know him?”

Jeno shook his head.

“Then why did you jump in like you were some hero?”

Jeno could feel the pain settling in his bones but he breathed in deeply and looked at his roommate.

“I didn’t know I wasn’t supposed to be a good citizen.” Bullshit, Jeno.

Jaehyun and Sicheng sighed together, the bartenders walking towards them as they glanced to their side.

“No, you idiot! We aren’t used to seeing this part of you and you know…”

Jaehyun paused, eyes landing on something behind Jeno and he wanted to yell at the elder for not even scolding him properly. He followed his line of sight and turned, only for his gaze to land straight on the boy whom he had helped.

“I… Am I interrupting? I just wanted to talk…”

He trailed off, voice velvety smooth and definitely among the best things Jeno’s ears had ever been blessed with.

He threw Jaehyun a look before nodding at the boy. He didn’t know where the courage came from but he grabbed the thin wrist of the boy and led him out to the parking lot, cold and fresh air hitting them in the faces.

“Where’s your… your friend?”

Jeno asked, stuttering slightly. He resisted the urge to pull his leather jacket closer.

The boy looked straight at him as he replied.

“He’s inside.”

Jeno nodded.

“Thank you… Thank you for noticing the guy…”

The boy fiddled with his thumbs, his gaze dropping to his feet as his voice faded to a mumble.

“I didn’t do it for your gratitude.” Jeno said, voice sharp before his eyes softened. “I’m gonna be upfront with you. You caught my eye. I noticed them because I was already looking at you.” 

“I’m sorry if that sounds weird.” He tacked on hurriedly, the boy looking flabbergasted.

What potion did Jeno drink instead of coke? Was it one for bravery? Maybe the stories about witchcraft were true. Maybe someone spiked his drink to turn him into a vampire. Yeah. That explained the sudden surge of courage.

“Wow! You’re…” The boy giggled, the sound pressing the ivory keys of Jeno’s heart, suddenly only a device for the other’s voice to be played in. “...you’re really… honest. I don’t think anyone has been so open to me about them being interested in me.”

“It is quite obvious that they lack sense and brains.”

Where was the old Lee Jeno? 

Dead in a ditch? 

Drowning in the Han river?

Probably.

The boy giggled again. 

Shoot Jeno in the heart, please. His life was well-lived.

“I’m Donghyuck by the way. It’s nice to meet you, uh…”

Jeno snapped out of his self-appreciating reverie and opened his mouth.

“Jeno. It’s nice to meet you too, Donghyuck.”

Donghyuck blushed at hearing his name from Jeno’s mouth. He pulled the lapels of his flannel shirt closer and leaned in slightly.

“Your lip is bleeding and you were my knight in shining armour today. The only thing I can do for you is fix you up. So, would you like to come over?”

Jeno went wide eyed before he nodded, smiling at the boy who felt too familiar for some reason.

Donghyuck left to let his friends know that he was taking Jeno home, Jeno doing the same, some part of him irrationally happy. Jaehyun wiggled his eyebrows as he walked towards him and Jeno aimed a punch at his shoulder, the elder ducking away from the fist. He told himself that his palm didn’t tingle from when he had held the other’s wrist as his roommate teased him. 

***

“Are you gonna stand there and just stare at me or are you gonna come in?”

Donghyuck asked, leaning on the side of the door and smiling at Jeno.

“Uh… sorry.”

He said, smacking himself on the head as Donghyuck trotted into the apartment his brother rented for him.

The place was moderately sized, perhaps a little big for a university student but clean nonetheless. There were paintings on the wall and Jeno filed away a set of questions to be asked later.

He settled on the couch and grimaced in pain, breathing deeply as every bone in his body ached, the fight’s effects properly felt. He closed his eyes and sank into the cushions, leaning back, neck cradled by the cushioned edge. 

A few minutes passed and he heard a throat clear behind him, making him sit up straight again.

“I’m sorry but you can lie down after I clean this up, okay?”

Jeno nodded, sleep threatening to take over, bravado from before long gone.

Donghyuck helped him remove his shirt, blush travelling up his face and colouring it a particular shade of red Jeno knew he would come to love and maybe, already loved. He applied the pain reliever ointment and Jeno racked his brain for a memory from before, some part of him recognizing the touch.

He suddenly felt very awake and he caught hold of Donghyuck’s wrist with a firm grip.

“Jeno?”

He glanced between Donghyuck’s face and his wrist before letting go with a muttered apology.

“If you’re uncomfortable I can…” He started.

“No, no. It’s just… nothing.” He cut him off.

Donghyuck nodded understandingly, putting the tube down on the coffee table and dipping the towel in the bowl of warm water. 

“It’s gonna sting.” He said, hand stretched towards Jeno’s face, stopping midway as he looked at him for permission.

“It’s fine. Just get it over with.”

Jeno hissed and flinched away from the cloth as Donghyuck dabbed at the cut on his face from the burly man’s ring.

“I told you that it was gonna sting! You were the one who asked me to “get it over with”, Hercules.”

Donghyuck reprimanded lightly, doing a terrible impression of Jeno’s voice.

“Just give me a moment, you savage damsel.” Jeno hissed out before shaking his head. “Okay, okay, go ahead.”

Donghyuck's touch was softer this time, not that it wasn’t like that before. Jeno would have smiled had he not been worrying for the well being of his split lip. The tan-skinned boy moved his hand to Jeno’s lips, hovering the cloth over them before he pressed it against them, wiping with precision. He was worrying his own lips with his teeth and it was driving Jeno crazy. 

“Stop.”

Jeno grunted out as Donghyuck’s eyebrows furrowed further in concentration.

“Stop what?”

He asked. Jeno’s gaze dipped down to his lips and Donghyuck blushed again, the pretty red from before spreading all over, much to Jeno’s revived glee.

“This?”

He questioned, teasing lilt to his voice as he bit his lip, teeth sinking delicately into the pink flesh again.

Jeno breathed out in frustration before softly coaxing the cloth out of his thin fingers. He leaned in then and cradled his face with his bruised fingers, feeling Donghyuck’s breathing speed up at his touch. 

Split lip could go to hell. What was pain?

Jeno’s lips met the other’s with minimal force, his brain ignoring the tiny buzz of pain and something else that short-circuited his nervous system for a second. When Donghyuck sighed softly, smiling into the kiss, Jeno felt like he suddenly ran out of air.

But then, something melancholic and beautiful and gruesome spread in the atmosphere.

Jeno swordfighting with Donghyuck.

Donghyuck singing to Jeno as he slept with his head on his lap.

Taeyong asking Jeno to promise.

Burning. Fire. Riots.

Kissing Donghyuck as he opened the door.

Guns. Shooting.

Rolling on the grass together.

Jeno dying in Donghyuck’s arms.

Yelling at the Chinese soldiers together.

Cooking for Jeno.

Drowning. River.

Them as old men.

Dying.

Flashes of a million last breaths.

Dying together and alone.

Jeno pulled back in horror.

“I… Donghyuck… you… we’re… I….”

Donghyuck cried then, defeat in his glassy eyes, shrouding the momentary euphoria in a thick black cloak.

“We’re not supposed to know… We’re not supposed to remember… I love you…”

***

That night Fate erases their existence from the memories of their family and friends, even though she is laden with guilt. She wonders what went wrong and asks Time to find the reason for her.

“Their love is rippling through the waves of me.”

_A love capable of creating cracks in time._

Fate smiled.

The Fated had surpassed her expectations.

“You must punish them.”

Time advises her.

She decides to do the same, perceiving very well that every lifetime they meet in, no matter how burdensome and sorrowful it is, is simply an opportunity for the Fated to strengthen their love.

Adversities meant nothing when their souls found ways to attach to each other whenever and wherever, no matter the lifetime. 

***

Jeno didn’t live long enough to see the first snowfall. Just like he had talked about how autumn was perfect, he left during it too. Even the last leaf fell long after he did. He hadn’t had months left like he had told Mark he did.

No matter how much Jeno had wished to not let it happen, he had still died in a hospital. He hadn’t left behind many unsaid words. Maybe a couple, but most of it was said.

The funeral was simple. A silent day and less than ten people. It was all he had asked for.

He was too young to accept death, yet he did. He never fought against it. Maybe if he had... no... there was no way left. He had to have fought in the beginning. Jeno never forfeited a battle; especially not something that made him realize that even nuclear weapons wouldn’t cure the illness demolishing his insides.

Mark wiped his face, smudging the wetness across it as he walked away.

Donghyuck placed a bouquet of white lilies on the grave next to Jeno’s mother. That was one of the last things he had requested for.

“Bury me near mom.”

Who were they to deny him his wishes?

“I hope you’re happy wherever you are. Jaemin asked me to apologize for breaking tradition. He’s down with the flu.”

Donghyuck kneeled on the grass, brushing the leaves away with his hand.

“You lied to me, Jeno. You lied when you said you were okay with the way things were when it so clearly wasn’t. I wish you didn’t feel like you have to put up a face for us. I wish you hadn’t accepted it so early.”

The breeze tickled the tiny hair on the back of his neck. Leaves continued to fall on the groomed grass.

“But I’d rather you have died in peace, which you did. I couldn’t ask for anything more.” He paused, “Actually, I could but you didn’t want me to, did you?”

Donghyuck let himself smile wetly as he ran his fingers over the name of his first love with as much affection as he could muster. A few tears dripped on the black marble. Bereavement wasn’t that easy.

“I’ll be back next month. I love you. I always will.”

He swore that he heard a familiar laughter which had become so rare during his last days, resonate in the air and he gasped. When he turned to ask Mark to confirm that he wasn’t being paranoid, he found him standing there wide-eyed, a hand covering his mouth as if he had heard it too.

“Hyung...”

Mark speed walked to him, pulling him to his chest, breath heavy.

“I did too. Hyuck, I heard him too.”

***

Fate likes the year 2000.

She thinks that it’s the perfect time for her favourites to be born again.

Time shakes his head but smiles at her anyway.

“The love of the millennium.”

He remarks, fondly.

“And of forever.”

Fate adds, equally as fond.

***

“Lele, did you see Jeno?”

Donghyuck asked, worried as he lowered the volume of the TV with the remote, Chenle and Jisung groaning in unison. 

He and Mark had just returned from practice with the 127 hyungs after Dream’s rehearsals were over. He had forgone checking in on Jeno for a quick shower only to come back to find his room empty.

“He was in his room, wasn’t he?”

Renjun questioned, slightly uncertain.

“I thought so too but he isn’t.”

Donghyuck said, worry incrementing by the second.

Mark wiped his palms on the cloth of his sweatpants and nudged Jaemin awake with his shoulder.

“Nana, where’s Jeno?”

Jaemin whined but opened his eyes, taking a second to register the surroundings. He frowned at Donghyuck.

“He said he wasn’t feeling good. He’s… uh…. You guys should talk. You know where to look for him.”

The red-haired boy sighed in relief, thanking a sleepy and unfocused Jaemin with the small quirk of his mouth. He was exhausted, the two events from the day and the practice session that followed it had drained him from the inside. 

Mark got up from the couch but Donghyuck shook his head.

“Hyung, it's fine. I’ll go get him. I need to talk to him anyway.”

Mark stared at him for a moment, Jisung and Chenle bickering in the background as soon as they comprehended where Jeno was.

“You’ll be okay, right?”

Donghyuck smirked.

“Is the legendary Mark Lee worried about this peasant? I must have been Abraham Lincoln in my previous life.”

Mark snorted, albeit tired.

“Aish, this kid! Just get junior Jack Frost.” He said, rubbing his eyes with a loose fist. 

“Donghyuck-ah, don’t stay out too late, okay?” 

He asked, hovering near the doorway as Donghyuck leaned down to tie his shoelaces. He nodded, smiling at the leader’s worry.

***

“It’s fucking 2 in the morning, you fucking moron.”

Donghyuck seethed, settling on the bench in the park. The silver-haired boy didn’t glance at him, choosing to smile at the air in front of him.

“Hello to you too, Hyuck.”

He replied, voice calm, a stark contrast to the set of his jaw as the smile faded away.

“Let’s go home.”

Donghyuck said as he moved closer to Jeno on instinct. A wayward horn pierced the silence of the park and the red-haired boy jumped slightly making Jeno smile again.

“Let’s stay here for a bit.”

Jeno suggested after a moment.

“BUT IT’S FREEZING, CAPTAIN COLD!”

Donghyuck shouted, his high voice reaching peaks.

“Yeah.”

He hummed out in response to the outburst.

Donghyuck let his shoulders slump as his hands crept to Jeno’s lap, grabbing hold of his hand which entwined with his without prompt.

“What’s wrong, Jeno?”

Jeno didn’t respond for a moment. Donghyuck was used to this; the shutting down, the delayed responses and the lack of reactions. But he knew his best friend more than he knew himself and he waited patiently.

“I’m worried.”

He said, voice defeated.

“About?”

Donghyuck asked, curious as to what was messing with his friend’s thoughts.

“You.”

Jeno turned, facing his best friend for the first time since his arrival.

Donghyuck was shocked. What did he do to worry him?

“I’m fine though.”

The red-haired boy replied, confusion etched on his features.

“No, you’re not.”

Jeno said, the lights that illuminated the park flickered off for a second before they turned on again.

“I am.”

Donghyuck insisted.

Jeno shook his head, breathing deeply. The slightly older boy smiled weakly at him. He leaned back on the cold iron of the bench, slightly wet from the rain before and faced the waning moon. 

Donghyuck observed his best friend, feeling calm for the first time that day. It was all work, work, work these days; performing back to back and sleeping in cramped spaces with his aching limbs or tucking his head into the sweaty hollows of his member’s necks. It made sense for Jeno to be worried about him but he was glad that the other boy wasn’t overbearing like Renjun and Jaemin tended to be at times. They nagged enough and some days he zoned off as they ganged up on him and Mark about eating well and taking rest. It was not like he didn’t appreciate it but at the end of the day he was just a seventeen-year-old boy with too many ambitions to even dream of taking a day off.

He wouldn’t lie that he never wished for a break because he did, he wished _hard_ for a breather but at the same time, he realized the worth of the opportunity that he was blessed with; something many others never got a chance to experience. Yet, he missed moments like these filled with a kind of serenity that had become a rarity in their life composed of jumping from one van to the other, the scent of the air freshener lingering to their clothes. He missed these moments with nothing but the sounds of their differing breathing, shared warmth and aches that faded away to the background at the realization that someone was there if he ever wanted to fall apart.

Jeno’s hands tightened on his and the other boy didn’t face him for a moment. Donghyuck waited patiently for the words he knew would follow. After all, Jeno was familiar; he would always be.

“Let’s go home, Hyuck.”

Donghyuck held onto the white-haired boy’s bicep and leaned his head on his shoulder as they started hiking back to the dorms. He smiled into the thick cloth of the other boy’s coat, grateful for the other; always so grateful. Had it been any other member, they would have let him do this too but not without a lot of teasing. 

Their footsteps sounded like an uneven metronome hitting the ground, wet from the rain. Donghyuck felt comforted even in the cold as Jeno pressed a small kiss into his hair. That was it. That was exactly the reason why Jeno would always be a little closer to him than the others. Some days, it was a nod of assurance, other days, it was a pat on the back. Some days, it was a wide smile, other days, it was one that was small but genuine all the same. Some days, it was a tight hug, other days, it was a hand that didn’t let go, not even when their sweats mingled. In one way or the other, the fact remained that he was _always_ there. 

Little did he know that when he said always, it really did mean _always_.

***

The pair walked with hushed steps after taking off their shoes near the door. Donghyuck had known that they would return to relative silence. He wondered what Jisung bribed Renjun with for getting permission to stay up past midnight.

“Did you have dinner?”

Donghyuck asked, taking his coat off as Jeno did the same.

“No. You didn’t eat too, right?”

Donghyuck had forgotten all about food as he panicked at the sight of an empty bed. He smiled at the other’s ability to read him. He let his fingers find the other’s wrist and dragged him slowly to the kitchen, the flashlight of his phone illuminating their path.

“There’s leftovers of takeout. But I feel like cooking. Kimchi fried rice?”

Jeno shrugged.

“You sure, Mr.Picky eater? Don’t tell me you want something else after I finish cooking.”

Jeno grinned at him, still tired but genuine all the same.

“I just do it to tease you. You know that, masterchef.”

Donghyuck opened the fridge and took out the vegetables, knowing that if he asked Jeno to cut them up, he would cut them and his fingers. He was dog tired but he remembered that the last meal they had had been breakfast. At least the others had eaten something. He wondered if they ate to their fill. He laughed internally for being such a worry wart. Maybe Doyoung was rubbing off on him.

He could feel Jeno’s gaze on him from where he was sitting. 

“What?”

He asked, feeling his hair prickle as his focus shifted from the onions he was dicing.

“Nothing.”

Jeno said after a brief moment of contemplation. Donghyuck shook his head.

“You’re reaching Edward Cullen levels of creepy. I have no plans of becoming Bella.” He commented dryly.

Jeno gulped water from the bottle and snorted at the comment.

“That’s fine. You’re way too beautiful to be considered Bella anyway.”

His smile widened as he said, eyes following the blush that bloomed from Donghyuck’s neck.

“You’re such a flirt, I swear. I’m gonna tell on you to Nana.”

Jeno looked at him, his head cocked slightly.

“If I’m not gonna flirt with you, who else am I gonna flirt with?”

Donghyuck shook his head again as he drained the water from the rice. Jeno seemed almost disappointed at the lack of response but the red-haired boy told himself that he was, perhaps, reading a bit too much into things.

They ate without much ceremony and bickered before going to their rooms.

Donghyuck entered his room and walked extremely carefully to his bed, knowing that Mark woke up at the smallest of noises. The other’s blankets were lying on the ground and the red-haired boy picked them up quietly and put it on top of him gently. He heard a mumble of something that sounded like gratitude come from the elder and chuckled softly at the leader’s manners even while he was asleep.

He tossed and turned around in his bed; mind refusing to shut down and replaying the small stumble on stage during the performance of Cherry Bomb. He plugged in his earphones, listening to his playlist of calming songs but his head seemed immune to the charms of the peaceful tunes.

That night he found himself padding to Jeno and Jaemin’s room as his brain threatened to return to the place he had tried so hard to run away from. Being alone with his thoughts was dangerous these days. His mind was vicious; merciless as it dissected every move he made with intense detail and he was tired.

“Come here, princess.”

Jeno patted the narrow space beside him as Donghyuck opened the door and hovered at the threshold. The younger boy didn’t need more reassurance as he found himself walking on autopilot to the white-haired boy’s bed. Donghyuck felt the ugly thoughts lull and fade away as Jeno cuddled up to him; his chest warm against his back. He felt him press a kiss to his nape and giggled softly as he realized that the other wasn’t moving away, lips still attached to the soft skin.

“That tickles.”

He said, senses overloaded.

“Does it?” 

Jeno questioned, amused. 

This was routine. This was familiar. This was trust.

Donghyuck knew that he would bend his head and keep his forehead against his nape and breathe out a good night.

He smiled as the boy did exactly what he predicted.

“I told you I was worried.”

Jeno whispered so softly that if Donghyuck wasn’t in such close proximity to him, he never would have heard it.

 _I saw this coming._ That was what Jeno meant. He knew that too.

The window wasn’t closed completely and the night breeze drifted in, bringing the scent of petrichor and something indecipherable. Donghyuck didn’t respond for a moment or two.

“I know. You always are.”

Jeno’s cold hands found his warmer ones and as he wrapped them around his waist, Donghyuck’s heart raced. He counted to ten.

“I don’t think I’ll ever stop.” The white-haired boy mumbled, voice louder than the pitter patter of the raindrops outside.

Typical Donghyuck would have retorted something like “too much cheese” or teased Jeno for being a sap but he found the wit headquarters of his head shut down at the sincerity that oozed off the simple words.

“I don’t think I ever want you to.”

He replied, instead.

***

“Did you know that you’re the best dongsaeng?”

Johnny said, smile bright as he stared ahead, Donghyuck snorting as he massaged the taller’s neck.

“Flattery becomes you, hyung.”

Johnny protested, simultaneously whimpering in relief as Donghyuck pressed down on his shoulders with the heel of his palm.

Donghyuck laughed again as Johnny moaned loudly.

“Hyung, keep it PG. You sound like a porn star.”

Doyoung said, opening the door to the dressing room. Donghyuck chuckled, knowing that the other whined and purred like a cat too when he gave him massages.

“Hypocrite.”

Donghyuck said, high-fiving Johnny who put his hand up in the air.

“YAH!! RESPECT YOUR HYUNG!!”

Donghyuck and Johnny laughed again, Doyoung pouting at them.

“Nobody likes me.”

The red-haired boy walked to Doyoung and grabbed hold of his biceps and leaned on his shoulder, sighing dreamily.

“Yeah, nobody likes you.” He paused dramatically, “Everybody loves you.”

Johnny booed at them as Doyoung drew him into a hug and patted him on the head like one would to a child. The tallest joined them, screeching out, “Family hug!”

“Oh, the back of my head is burning, Jeno-ah. Please reduce the intensity of your glare or I will be ashes on the ground. You know what I mean?”

Johnny declared as he freed Donghyuck from his hands soon after Doyoung did.

Donghyuck coloured at that, spinning around only to see Jeno standing at the door, his hand still on the handle.

“Jeno!”

He called out in excitement and rushed to the other, putting his arms around him as he hugged him. He felt Jeno’s smile against his shoulder and before the other could do anything else, he pulled at his platinum blonde hair and sprinted out the door.

“Fuck! That hurt, Donghyuck!”

He cried out, breaking into a death sprint as he followed the red-haired boy out the door.

“He’s so extra.”

Doyoung commented, fingers looped with Johnny’s.

Johnny rolled his eyes, quirking an eyebrow at the younger man.

“Oh, shut up.”

Doyoung said, annoyed.

“I didn’t even say anything.”

Johnny stated.

Doyoung punched the elder man on the shoulder and walked away.

“See, this is exactly it. The kids are learning from you.”

Doyoung turned back and glared at him.

“You’re just salty that they like me better than you, hyung.”

Johnny grinned as if he had been waiting for that statement.

“I like you better than me too.”

He walked towards the younger man and kissed him on the lips, familiarity drifting in waves as Doyoung smiled up at him.

“Do you know that that line makes no sense?”

Johnny groaned in frustration.

“Why do you always have to ruin the moment?”

Doyoung strutted out like the diva he was, certain that the elder would follow. 

***

“Chenle, you...you dolphin… where the fuck is Jisung?”

Donghyuck screeched, his hands on either side of the Chinese boy’s shoulders as the boy kept howling with laughter, pausing only to laugh again with renewed vigour. Donghyuck was honestly planning murder of a gatorade haired boy.

“Why do you need him, hyung?”

Donghyuck glared at the other, his one hand relocating to his hip.

“You know, Lele.”

He said, frustrated.

“Do I?”

Chenle put a finger on his chin and stared at the ceiling as if in deep thought. Donghyuck exhaled in frustration again.

“He has my journal. I need it back.”

The Chinese boy gave him a look of contemplation.

“Why? Did you write songs for Jeno hyung in it?”

Donghyuck simply stared.

Chenle stared back before he comprehended the elder’s dilemma.

“Oh shit! You did!”

“Language!”

“You wrote songs for him in it and…”

“Stop!”

“... and that means he doesn’t know you like him because…”

“Chenle, can you please…”

“... you never confessed…”

“... stop with this…”

“...Oh my god! You guys are idiots.”

“Chenle!”

Donghyuck paused, thinking for a moment.

“Wait, what does that mean?”

Chenle laughed.

“This is gold! But the problem is that Jisung went to Jeno hyung’s room. Jaemin hyung, CODE RED!”

Donghyuck winced at the volume, wondering what in God’s name “Code Red” was as Jaemin flew in from the other room, his hair askew and eyes wild.

“Who’s dying?”

Donghyuck gave him a dirty look.

“No one is.”

Chenle glowered at him.

“He likes Jeno hyung and writes songs for him in his journal. The same journal Jisung stole. He went to Jeno hyung’s room with it.”

Donghyuck protested at Chenle exposing his life’s stories out in the open without consulting him.

“What the fuck, Chenle? You can’t just…”

Jaemin cleared his throat, making him pause.

“He just did. It’s your judgment day, Donghyuck. Life is hard and I understand that you’re in love but this is serious. You cannot accidentally confess to Jeno and we need to let him know that he must not open the journal, under any circumstances. What if you got friend-zoned and he doesn’t…”

Donghyuck frowned at the fake intellectual rant by the half-awake boy. However, his priorities shifted as he turned to see what Jaemin had paused his rambling at. Donghyuck heard Chenle mumble “Oh shit!” under his breath.

_Oh shit indeed._

Jeno stood at the doorway much like the week before and Donghyuck’s heart thudded as he wondered how much of that he heard. His brown journal was safe in the hands of the blonde-haired boy. At the rate at which he was thinking about murder of his band members, he was going to become Korea’s own Jack The Ripper.

“Who’s getting friend zoned?”

Jeno questioned, his gaze running over the trio.

“No one. We were just talking about… song lyrics…”

Jeno squinted at them while Donghyuck mentally patted Jaemin’s bedhead for his quick thinking.

“Yep… totally… song lyrics… hell yeah…”

Donghyuck glared at Chenle as the boy ruined their lie’s credibility by being Obvious Olivia.

“Hyuck, Jisung left your journal in my room. The little shit probably thought I wouldn’t notice. I… I know it is important.”

He handed the thick book to its owner. Donghyuck smiled before a worried frown took over his face.

“Did you… did you read it?”

Jeno recoiled as if offended.

“What the fuck? Why would I… No. I didn’t. It’s personal, isn’t it?”

Donghyuck nodded and the other boy shifted his feet as he stared at the red-haired boy.

“I’m gonna go for grocery shopping with Taeyong hyung. You guys… uh… discuss song lyrics about friend zoning and all that.”

He waved at the trinity, walking away, his phone attached to his ear.

“Fuck! He knows. He totally knows we’re lying.” Chenle announced.

“Language! Also, who’s fault is that?” Donghyuck glowered accusingly. Jaemin patted him on the shoulder in consolation and zombie-walked to his bed in the other room.

Donghyuck wondered how long it would take for him to amass enough courage to tell the other boy that somewhere along he had forgotten the boundaries of friendship. His heart raced as he thought about the ways this could end.

 _Or begin._ His thoughts provided, ever the centre of optimism when he didn’t need it to give him false hope.

***

“You! Donghyuck, what the fuck are you doing?”

Jeno was sitting on the floor, choosing to stay behind and watch as the 127 unit practice progressed fiercely. His ears perked up at his best friend’s name but the instructor looked pissed off and that was never good. Donghyuck hadn’t been well the night before, yet he had refused to skip practice, begging Jeno to not tell anyone, promising that he would rest properly since they didn’t have a schedule for the next four days.

The boy paused in his tracks as the instructor turned the music off. Taeyong worriedly glanced at the maknae as he caught his breath. 

“Me?”

The instructor laughed without humor.

“Yes you! Is there anyone else here with the name Donghyuck?”

Donghyuck shook his head, apologizing in a mumble, eyes flickering in and out of focus.

“You are too sloppy today and here, at SM we don’t tolerate having an off day. Do you get that? There are lots of kids out there who would kill to have your position. Remember that.”

Donghyuck nodded, shoulders slumped before he noticed the glare intensifying. He verbally affirmed that he would try harder. Doyoung gave him a scrutinizing look, asking him if he was okay before giving Jeno another look, pointing with his chin at the youngest.

The dance instructor called him out a couple of times and their energy dwindled gradually after every shout of “From the top. Again!” In the end, Taeyong convinced the man by explaining that they had had four schedules the day before and that they would all work hard to be better the next day. 127 had just returned from New York in the evening and Jeno knew that all they were all tired as hell. He wondered if the leader knew that the studio’s lights were going to stay on for a long time that night.

“Donghyuck-ah, come on, let’s go home.”

Johnny called out, Jaehyun picking up the bag of the youngest. The boy stared at them before he gently tugged the bag from Jaehyun. Johnny gave him a confused look.

“I’ll come after a bit, hyung. I just want to clear the steps again.”

Yuta and Doyoung approached the trio. Jeno knew how this was going to play out but he still watched.

“You don’t look fine. Take rest for today. I’ll help you with the steps tomorrow.”

The Japanese man said, worry colouring his face as his gaze raked over the unnaturally sweaty maknae.

“Listen to hyung, Hyuck-ah, we’ll help you tomorrow.”

Doyoung insisted but Donghyuck shook his head again.

“He isn’t gonna listen to them.”

Mark said, settling beside Jeno.

“I know.”

Mark turned his head, watching as the hyungs put up a fair fight but he knew conviction when he saw it.

“He’s not gonna let me stay.”

“I know.”

Jeno said.

“He’s not gonna let you stay either.”

“I know.”

Mark looked at him for a moment as if in deep thought before his lips broke out in a smile.

“It seems like you know quite a bit about him, Jeno.”

Jeno could hear the teasing lilt in the rapper’s voice.

“I do, don’t I?”

 _I’ve always known him better._ He didn’t say.

The leader of Dream knew that it wasn’t really a question. He grunted loudly as he got up, Jeno following.

“Are you ever gonna tell him?”

Jeno didn't respond to that, choosing to simply steal another glance at the boy he loved. 

Mark sighed and patted him on the back as they walked out the door, the bass leaking through the walls and thumping on beat with their hearts. 

***

Jeno shifted as his spine tingled from sitting upright for so long. Everyone else had returned to the dorms but he had convinced their hyungs that he wanted to wait for Donghyuck. Taeyong and Doyoung had thrown him sceptical looks but he had sworn to drag the other boy back home if he didn’t stop after an hour. However, it was only after Johnny had nodded at Doyoung that the pair backed off, leaving with a stern warning to come back and drag them home if they didn’t see them soon.

Night had fallen hours ago and his worry for the red-haired boy was elevating by each passing minute. He heard the tell-tale sounds of Donghyuck coughing up a lung and he refused to wait a moment more as he rushed to the door and opened it. The wall of sound hit him in the face and the bass vibrated so hard that he could feel it in his bones.

Donghyuck was dancing across the floor, his sweaty body glistening in the bright white glow; skin beautifully tan and movements tinged with an exhaustion that seemed more prominent than ever. He hadn’t even noticed the door opening and Jeno decided to stand by for a moment to let the other boy complete the routine for one last time.

He turned and shut the door, scrutinizing the other’s steps but soon realized that his movements were all over the place; his limbs protesting against being pushed too hard. He walked with steady steps towards his best friend and saw that Donghyuck’s eyes were closed, as if refusing to look in the mirror even as he danced. He shuddered the moment Jeno’s hands touched him and he struggled to get out of the back hug. Jeno held him close, knowing that this was what he needed; someone to hold him down.

“Let me go, Jeno. Please!”

He said, voice hoarse and heart thudding loud against Jeno’s hands, sweaty t-shirt clinging to his chest.

“Let go. Let go, Hyuck… ” He paused, making sure to whisper the next words right into the other’s ears, “I’m here… I’m here… Let go.”

It was as if the words undid the tightly coiled spring that Donghyuck’s body was, because as soon as he heard them, he stopped struggling, collapsing against Jeno as he held them up with his arms. Jeno thanked the heavens as he slowly moved to the ground, Donghyuck still limp against his chest. His heart ached at the weight the other boy had lost, clear to him from his shoulder bone that poked him as he leaned with his chin. 

“I’m sorry… I’m dragging everyone down.”

Donghyuck apologized, his eyes still closed and body still flush against Jeno’s.

“No, you’re not. Stop telling yourself that.”

Warm tears cascaded down Donghyuck’s sweaty face to Jeno’s hands circling said boy’s narrow waist. The other’s clothes clung to his thin frame with sweat but those were minor details when Jeno knew that all he needed was someone to let him know that he was doing good enough.

It was hard to think like that in this industry where everyone was weighed first by looks and second, by talent. But even when both these criteria were met, you were plagued and chased by the apprentices of self-doubt and a heightened level of awareness. Being self-aware was good but when that awareness gave way to intense feelings of not being good enough; that’s when you had to stop and breathe. 

That was the thing though. It was hard to breathe here. It was so fucking hard. Breathing meant living and you only lived on stage. For an idol, that was the biggest challenge. The very thin line that separated these dualities were what everyone struggled with and Jeno knew it like none other. After all, he didn’t like what he saw in the mirror every day. But he had grown to like it; he had forced himself to meet the tired gaze of his self in the glossy surface of the mirror every single day and voice out that he loved himself. 

Donghyuck was still not capable of doing that. He chattered away and jumped around, trying his best to be funny and attentive every single moment of the day but Jeno _knew_ him. Jeno had held a trembling warm body one too many times to ever fool himself into believing that the face he put up was a hundred percent real; that he was alright; because he wasn’t. He had seen his face crumple so many times when a fan ignored him. He had dragged his struggling best friend home from this room where hopes were made and dreams were crushed, too many times, to ever convince himself that the other was fine when he so clearly wasn’t. He had sworn to be that one person in his corner forever who would stay beside him no matter what and he intended to keep that promise as long as he lived. In fact, he felt privileged for being _that_ person for him.

“I’m sorry, Jeno. I’m sorry for dumping all this on you… I don’t want to… but I can’t control this when it’s you… I…”

Donghyuck was sobbing again but Jeno pressed his lips to sweaty strands of deep scarlet and shook his head in denial.

“I’m here, Donghyuck. I wish you wouldn’t stretch yourself so thin but you can’t help it and that’s okay because I’m here to look out for you. I’ll always be here. You don’t ever have to be sorry for trusting someone enough to let them know what you’re feeling.”

Donghyuck shifted in his hold and looked at him, his face shimmery with sweat and tears, eyes swollen and red.

“I don’t know what to do to dance better. I can’t… Sometimes, it’s so hard to remember the steps and I...”

Jeno breathed out, feeling his heart clench at the other boy’s ignorance.

“Hyuck, you have a fever. You had it last night too. That’s why your body isn’t moving like it usually does. I asked you to take a day off remember?”

Jeno waited for comprehension to dawn upon the other but it never did.

“Donghyuck… hey…?”

Jeno called out softly, shaking him slightly as Donghyuck stared at him with an unfocused gaze.

“I… I don’t remember that.”

It’s said that when you look back, it’s the small things that stand out. Jeno would remember this even when Donghyuck wouldn’t and when it would all die and end and begin all over again.

“That’s okay. Let’s go home… Hyuck, let’s just go home. You… you need rest.”

For a moment, Jeno wondered if the stars he thought were aligning for them had decided to rebel and stray away from their holy parallels. He cursed at himself for over thinking as he piggybacked a limp but conscious red-haired boy to their dorms, each breath hitting the side of his neck reminding him of how he had to be there for him if it was the last thing he did.

By the time they arrived at the dorm, Donghyuck had fallen asleep. A part of him was glad to see the 127 hyungs at their dorm. Johnny took over and carried the red-haired boy to his room. Jeno’s gaze followed him but he stopped as his mind fuzzy with thoughts finally registered the way the tallest cradled the young boy in his arms with utmost care.

“He has a fever.”

Johnny said, the only sound in the room coming from the street outside.

“It’s good that we have a break now. He’ll be up and running in no time.”

Taeyong announced, ever the positive leader.

“He’ll be fine. We’ll take care of him.”

He said, gaze locked on Jeno’s face.

Dinner was unusually silent. It had been a month or so since the hyungs came over to Dream’s dorm. Jeno thought about how Donghyuck had been complaining about missing Taeyong hyung’s cooking. He had half a heart to wake him up but decided not to. The food was great but his head wasn’t in the right place. He just wanted to stop thinking about the tiny details that seemed to get blown out of proportion inside his head. He wondered if any of these seemingly irrelevant thoughts had any substance behind them.

“Hyung, I’ll help you with the dishes.”

Sicheng said as Taeyong got up and gathered the dishes. The leader smiled gratefully. Jeno felt a wave of pride surge in him as he thought about how far the Chinese man had come from being hesitant to talk first to initiating random conversations without any external force influencing him. Yuta and Doyoung helped them with the glasses as Jaehyun and Mark followed Johnny out the door into Donghyuck’s room to check on him once again.

“Jeno, hyung is calling for you.”

Renjun stated after he waved a hand in front of his face to break him out of his stupor. Jeno didn’t need to ask which one of the hyungs because he already knew.

He entered the kitchen as the other three scattered out, Yuta cackling at Doyoung’s wet shirt. He was sure that he didn’t need to know what exactly had led to it.

Taeyong was leaning on the counter, the dishes piled near him inside the sink. His cheekbones and eye bags were prominent in the light that the tube cast over him. The pink in his hair had nearly been washed away and the tired strands framed his face. Even in the face of exhaustion, his hyung could have easily evened the field of visuals. Jeno couldn’t help but smile a little at that thought. 

Taeyong was so much more though. Not just him but everyone. Every single member was more than just their looks and their aegyo and their talent. They were good humans and for him, that attribute had always stood out primarily. Everything else was a whirr in the background of their robotic lives flooded by schedule after schedule which drained them and left them dry like the grains of sand in the desert.

“Jeno-ah, do you mind helping hyung with the dishes?” Jeno nodded in agreement.

Taeyong smiled gratefully as he turned the faucet pipe, making water gush out in a steady stream.

“I’ll wash, you dry.” The leader added.

“Okay, hyung.”

There was silence which thickened as they kept washing and drying the dishes.

“I didn’t really call you to help me with the dishes.”

Jeno froze before he smiled at the elder’s hesitance.

“I know.”

The tension which had wrapped around Taeyong’s body unfroze and he sighed in relief.

“Is Donghyuck okay, Jeno?”

Jeno stared at the other, puzzled.

“Hyung, I don’t understand… He has a fever… He’s just tired... that’s it.”

Taeyong looked unsatisfied with his response.

“If I wanted to hear that answer, I would have asked Mark.”

Jeno put the towel down and sighed, eyes staring ahead without actually seeing anything.

“Jeno…”

Taeyong called out to him with such a soft voice that nearly all of Jeno’s defences crumbled down but it was not until he pulled him into a hug that he let the tears fall. It had been a long time coming and he felt relief fill his soul but he knew what this meant. Taeyong shushed him and stroked the hair at the back of his neck as he cried into his neck quietly.

“Tell me what’s wrong. I just want to know if it’s the same thing I noticed.”

Jeno sniffled before he pulled back.

“I… He’s been forgetting so many things, hyung.”

Taeyong’s comforting face changed completely as he stepped back, stumbling as his legs weakened under him. He leaned on the counter with his hands clutching it.

“It isn’t just me then.”

The leader remarked passively, building his walls back up. He stared at Jeno for a moment before his expression crumpled again.

“I can’t do this… when did you notice, Jeno?”

Jeno stayed still for a moment.

“About seven months back.”

Taeyong threw him a questioning look.

“He asked who Chenle was when he came in running to our room. I thought it was just a joke but he genuinely didn’t know and by the time I came out of the shower he was fine. When I asked him why he pulled such a serious prank he denied the entire thing. Even today hyung, he forgot so many steps and he told me that he didn’t remember the conversation in the morning. He even forgot that he had a fever.”

As he let the incidents gathering dust in the confinements of his mind find form through words, Jeno felt fear grip him tight. What would happen now? Why was the world so merciless? Had he possibly contributed in worsening the condition of the boy he loved by ignoring all of it as coincidences and pranks?

The leader had already been burdened with the thoughts of the same for a while now. He felt relief at knowing what was wrong yet he also felt lost because he had no idea why it was happening or how to deal with it.

He had noticed the small things from the beginning but he had told himself that it was just the side effect of thinking too much and overanalyzing it. He still remembered the time Donghyuck came with him for shopping and forgot that Mark hated pistachio ice cream. The younger had looked so dejected when Taeyong grabbed his wrist to stop him from paying for it. During the walk home, he had pretended to not notice how disoriented the other was, going in completely wrong directions before he was pulled to the right ones by him.

He should have said something then. His heart ached and sizzled in the unbearable heat that regrets brought. He should have said something when Donghyuck grabbed his wrist in panic seconds before a show, asking him what his lines in Firetruck were. He should have done something when he found him lost on the third floor of their apartment complex, unable to find their dorm. He should have been responsible and cared more when Donghyuck refused to acknowledge that he had made the tea Taeyong drank when he thanked the other boy for it.

Looking back, there were so many incidents and he looked up at Jeno, tears flowing freely as he found himself at a crossroads. How would they solve this?

“He’s… we gotta get him to a doctor. We have to help him, hyung. I can’t… we need to tell the others.” Taeyong couldn’t even choke out an affirmation as he heard Jeno’s voice wobble when he uttered his words.

The silver-haired boy inhaled deeply.

“I love him.” He chuckled softly after that, the sound breaking Taeyong’s heart into smithereens.

“God, I love him so much, hyung. He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, hyung…. I was just so scared and I know that it’s not an excuse for any… I can’t…. I won’t survive if he forgets me… God, what if he forgets me? What if he forgets himself? What if he can’t... ”

Taeyong let out a sob as he pulled the slightly taller boy to his chest again, crying with him as they slid to the ground, refusing to listen to the other boy list out the worst case scenarios.

“He’ll be fine. He’ll be fine. We’ll take care of him. He’ll be okay. He has to be.”

***

Informing the members about what was happening was the hardest thing to do but they pushed through. It was then that they really comprehended the magnitude of their ignorance. All of them had let so many incidents fall into the abyss of their mind, never even giving them a second glance. If something was wrong with Donghyuck, they would have to take responsibility and they would but the guilt carved them from the inside.

Mark and Doyoung had broken down crying, completely shattered at the possibilities of what might be wrong. Things were so uncertain and they knew that they had to approach their manager.

“Let’s take him to the doctor.”

The man had said, his jaw hinged in an attempt to hide his real emotions but Jeno hadn’t missed the way the other man collapsed down on his chair, his hands gripping his hair in desperation as soon as they left.

Getting Donghyuck to the doctor was an easy feat. They had to fake getting full body checkups and it helped that they had briefed the doctors about the situation beforehand.

On the day of the results, Taeyong had declared that he didn’t want anyone from Dream or 127 to come. Johnny and Doyoung had caused a ruckus and Taeyong had had to bow in front of their sharp words. Jeno had simply stared at him and nodded; a sign that he would be home preparing himself for the worst while hoping for the best.

“Why’re you guys so tense? Loosen up, oldies.”

Donghyuck said, voice high and teasing as they waited outside the doctor's room. Doyoung laughed and wiggled his limbs gaining a weird look from the little girl who sat opposite them as Johnny made faces at her. Taeyong secretly thanked the heavens for making him give in to the others' demands because he was certain that he wouldn’t be able to joke around like they were doing.

“Lee Donghyuck?”

A nurse called out.

Taeyong got up in response.

“The doctor will see you now.”

Donghyuck gave them a pointed look, utterly confused at why he was the only one being called but he didn’t get much time to ask the others as they rushed to the doctor’s office.

“Sit down everyone.”

The doctor spoke up, gesturing with her hands at the chairs.

“Are you Donghyuck-ssi?”

She asked him, her voice even and he nodded before whipping her gaze back to their leader’s forlorn face.

“It’s nice to meet you. Do you know why you’re here?”

He shook his head as he looked around again only to see his hyungs evading his gaze, refusing to look him in the eye.

“Guys, what the hell is going on?”

When no responses came, he looked at the woman who had kept a straight face throughout the affair.

“Donghyuck-ssi, have you been experiencing trouble remembering things lately?”

She asked, her eyes set deep on him. Donghyuck shifted in his seat.

“Uh… sometimes… I think. My best friend has been telling me that I’ve been acting weird and not remembering stuff? Like... he says I did things which I don’t remember doing?”

Donghyuck trailed off, phrasing the answer like a question. He heard a sob get stuck in someone’s throat but before he could turn back and see which of his hyungs was hurting, the doctor spoke again.

“Taeyong-ssi, this is an extremely rare case. He is exhibiting symptoms of those of an Alzheimer patients and his MRI also tells me the same thing. I cross-checked multiple times but it seems that we have an early-onset Alzheimer case in our hands.”

Taeyong stared at the doctor with a blank face, Johnny’s fingers tightly entwined with his.

“Doctor, but I… What does that mean?”

The woman’s gaze softened and Donghyuck felt his plane of reality shift under his feet.

“I’m afraid that you’re sick, Donghyuck-ssi. You have a mutation of the Alzheimer’s commonly seen in the aged. In simple terms, you’re losing your memories and the ability to make new ones. It’s also called childhood Alzheimer’s. But what stuns me about this is that your MRI scans show such quick deterioration that it threatens your life expectancy. You could die in a year, Donghyuck-ssi. According to your MRI, even a year is a stretch. I’m surprised that you still remember so much. I’m sorry to be the messenger of bad news but there really is no point in lying.”

Where was the ground? Wasn’t he standing firmly with his feet on it just a few minutes back? How could the world be so selfish to rip the earth from right beneath his feet? 

A part of him was glad that the doctor hadn’t attempted to dilute the truth with false hopes. He had Alzheimer’s; a disease that never affected the young. He was only seventeen. He was so young. How was he supposed to tell himself that he was losing his memories? How would he perform on stages now? How would he forgive himself if he forgot his members? What about his parents? How was he supposed to tell his parents that their son was seventeen and losing his memories?

The trio talked and listened to the doctor with utmost concentration and Donghyuck caught lines stating how nearly no treatments existed and he felt like he was levitating between clouds made up of poison. He was dying from their fumes and soon he would be nothing but a shell having lost all the things that made him who he was. Leaving the doctor’s room that day, he had asked himself with too much conviction for a seventeen-year-old to not hope for things to get better when his fate was pretty much cemented and engraved into the depth of time.

It was not until they stepped out an hour later that he noticed his shirt was wet. Doyoung looped his fingers with his so tightly that his circulation was cut off but he dared not release his hold on him. 

Johnny drove like a madman that day, wading through the traffic with a manic look in his eyes which were rimmed red and a part of Donghyuck dreamt of dying then, when he was self-aware and not rotting away in a hospital bed, at the mercy of nurses and doctors, unable to recognize even the people who meant the most to him. Taeyong turned and looked at him from the passenger seat then, his lashes wet and face flushed red, conveying an unspoken apology; just another memory to be forgotten as if he already knew about the kind of thoughts that ran through his head.

No one spoke a word.

They didn’t have to.

***

“Doyoung-ah, just take him to Jeno.”

Taeyong choked out.

“But hyung…”

The man protested.

“Please… take him to Jeno and come back.”

Donghyuck acted like he didn’t hear what the leader said and willingly followed the black haired man to where he knew someone was waiting. He wasn’t even angry at his hyungs for lying about the checkup. His steps dragged as he thought about how hard facing Jeno would be but even then, he knew he had to stay strong.

He just wanted to see Jeno and bury his face in his chest. He didn’t want to waste even a minute. He had to make as many memories as he could. He had to make great ones so that Jeno would remember only them. He had wasted so much time; time that Jeno and all the members deserved. 

“Hyuck-ah, I’m… You’ll be… Fuck! I can’t do this and…”

Donghyuck slowly walked forward so that he was standing in front of Doyoung and hugged him tightly.

“I’m sorry for this. I don’t think I could have helped it even if I tried, hyung.”

Doyoung wept into his neck and Donghyuck held him like a lifeline.

“Don’t apologize. Just…” The elder let him go and wiped his tears with his shaking hands. “... go to him. Hyuck, I’m sorry…”

Donghyuck shook his head in denial and opened the Dream’s dorm, feeling Doyoung look over at him in concern.

“Hyung, just go. I’ll talk to him. I’ll be fine. I promise.”

Donghyuck saw a million unsaid words of worry in his hyung’s iris but he refused to acknowledge them. He didn’t want to break down now. Not when he knew he could do that within the confines of himself. The elder stepped away, turning back as he reached the stairs, throwing him another look which he nodded at.

***

Donghyuck poured water in the glass and gulped it down before he walked over to Jeno’s room. He wiped at his face to rid itself of the salty moisture and patted at his cheeks.

Jeno was lying on his bed and staring at the ceiling, his eyebrows furrowed and finger tracing the shapes that Jaemin and Jisung had hand painted on to the walls. He didn’t look at Donghyuck and he desperately wanted him to.

He knocked on the door with his knuckle but even then, Jeno refused to face him.

“Jeno…”

His voice trembled as he whispered the other’s name. He squinted at the boy expecting recognition to dawn on him but it never did. It was then that he noticed the clear stream of water that had been pouring down the other’s cheeks, forming a wet patch on his grey pillow.

He walked ahead with heavy steps, cherishing the moment where he knew and the other was still uncertain; a moment that would soon pass and bring knowledge of the worst kind of hell anyone could ever wish upon anyone by forgetting everything and everyone they’d ever known.

He lied down facing the other’s side and saw the way his face was straining to hold on to the emotions that threatened to leap out and destroy the semblance of calm he had been maintaining till then. Donghyuck stretched out his hand and wiped at the other’s cheeks, much like he did to Doyoung but meaning a little more; _always_ meaning a little more.

“Jeno… I have… “

He turned in panic then, eyes fervently pleading him to not voice it out loud, placing his hand in front of Donghyuck’s mouth to stop him from saying the words that would concrete the foundation of the storm that was about to shake up their lives and dilapidate all that they’d ever come to love. 

“Please… please don’t.”

He pleaded, voice uncharacteristically wobbly and Donghyuck nodded against his hand. Only then did he remove his sweaty hands.

“I need to say something. Before you tell me… Before we talk about anything else… I need to tell you something… Will you listen?”

He was asking permission to ask something Donghyuck had always known deep down and he nodded again, not having enough faith in his voice to agree verbally. The white-haired boy sat up then, pulling him up gently; always so gently. Even when he wasn’t forgetting, Jeno treated him like glass and now he had become porcelain; a fragment of a fragile world prone to cracks and breaks, a superstructure waiting to turn to dust; the lines straight and the divides clear. 

Fresh tears stung his eyes at the warmth of the other boy’s hands that seemed to sear his oddly freezing skin. He wondered randomly at how long it would take for him to forget his touch and it made him want to die before he would. 

Jeno leaned forward and clasped both of Donghyuck’s hands in his; their fingers entwining intimately, making love crawl up their throats which had never uttered the four-letter word capable of summarizing everything they had ever felt for each other and will continue to feel forever.

Little did the pair know that this was just one of a hundred forevers they had promised each other.

“I’ve always… I’ve always known that you are special to me. When you look at me, the ice inside me thaws. When I look at you, I’m blinded. Nothing has ever… not even performing... not dancing… nothing, Hyuck… nothing has ever made me happy like you do. I’ve never…” Jeno breathed in then, looking him dead in the eye as he uttered the next words, his voice cracking as he did so. 

“I’ve never loved anyone or anything like I love you.”

Donghyuck nodded vehemently, tears spilling down uncontrollably, his heart stopping for a moment too long before it started to beat twice as fast, stealing his breath.

Jeno continued.

“You’ve always reminded me of Peter Pan and I was always scared that I might forget what you mean to me. Call it irrational but that thought has kept me up for so many nights and now… now you’re going to forget me…” Donghyuck whimpered as if in physical pain but the other boy kept going. “Now you’re going to forget me and I hate it. I hate this but we have no choice and I just need to know if you want me by your side as a friend or as something more. It’s selfish but I want all of you… even when you’re unaware and don’t recognize me anymore. I want your first kiss and your last breath. I want you as you are. I need you here as long as you remember me. I need you here even when you’ve forgotten my name and yours. I love you, Donghyuck. I always have and I promise to do so forever.”

Donghyuck cried then, for a future with the boy who loved him; a future made up of dwindling days.

“Me too. God, I love you. I love you, Jeno.”

He whispered as he leaned forward to press his forehead against the other’s, tears everflowing and breaths mingling. 

“I don’t want to forget you…”

He whispered, Jeno’s heart exploding into a million particles.

“But you will…”

He replied honestly. The last thing they needed was to lie to each other.

“I’m sorry…”

Donghyuck whispered against his lips.

“I know. I am too.”

Jeno responded, loosening a hand from the other’s grip and cradling his face with it. He didn’t have to lean in because Donghyuck kissed him before he could. Their first kiss tasted like transiency and forever at the same time; regret and love conveyed through the soft press of their lips.

They talked after that; about everything that happened from the beginning, recalling every single event they could possibly remember. They promised to do it every single day until Donghyuck would no longer be able to do so. 

“Do you think we were meant to be?”

Jeno ignored the past tense.

“I think we are meant to be.”

He said, arms tightening around the other’s waist.

***

Fate was in pain. She screamed in agony at the clouds. 

_Who would do this?_

“Time, find the one who did this to the Fated. Find out about the one who dared to defy you and me.”

Time bowed in response, disappearing into the air.

Fate sobbed like she did when God refused to reincarnate the first Fated after their millionth lifetime. He had accused her of being partial to them; reprimanding her for being merciless to the rest of mankind. She had been young then. She had listened and nodded her bowed head as God took her children into heaven, permitting her to see them from a distance once every aeon.

But this time, she hadn’t given her favourites the boon of happiness in all their lives. She had given them misery and pain and hatred. She had given them the best and the very worst. She had been fair. She had put aside her virtues and functioned like God expected her to. 

This was the millennial year. The golden Fated had lost the silver one in his previous life. It was only fair for him to have him close this time.

Anger filled her veins and elixir boiled, light leaking out from beneath her skin. She forced herself to calm down. She didn’t want to ask Death to give her another vessel. The snarky old man would never let her live it down. He would tease her for being a child and she was not one.

“Fate, I have found the culprit.”

Time returned, bowing again, revealing a snide man who seemed too well dressed to cause such a great and tumultuous calamity in the lives of her favourite.

“Who are you?”

The man laughed, a lewd smirk fixed on his face.

“Ah! The great Fate has forgotten me. Do you understand who I am now? You’ve met me quite a few times, Fate. You’re still as beautiful and elegant as you were the previous time.”

Fate threw him a scrutinizing look.

“I do not remember you, oh unknown catastrophe.”

The man chuckled.

“You must not remember me without me wishing for I am Memory, the keeper of moments; tiny and towering.” Memory waved a hand in the air. “Remember me now, Fate.”

And Fate did.

“Why would you do this to the Fated? How dare you touch the memories of my favourites?”

Memory laughed again, his voice grating and reverberating.

“They have too many moments. It is only fair to make one of them forget this lifetime since they have so many. Their memories are causing dissonance and I am not obliged to keep all of it.”

Fate seethed but Time interrupted before she could speak up.

“What if we bought their memories from you? Will you keep their moments from this life?”

Fate stared at her ally in confusion.

“You can keep their memories, Fate. He can show you where their memories are kept and you can guard them. He will pass on every lifetime’s memory to you after they die. Then, they’ll never face such an event again.”

Memory nodded and Fate curled her lip for the man’s opportunist tendencies. 

Why would God ever hire such a snob?

“But this life was my gift to them for their suffering. What do we do to undo it?”

Time smiled.

“I go back.”

Fate let a few tears fall at the Divine’s dedication to the lives of her favourite. She whispered an apology to the wind.

“I apologize, my dear ones. May you never worry over your memories for I am keeper of yours and I shall never stray from my place. This is my gift to you.”

***

“What the fuck, Hyuck?”

Jeno chased the other boy up the stairs, the other’s high pitched shrieks reverberating.

“You are so cheesy! Like who even confesses to someone they like through a song?”

Donghyuck asked, stopping as he reached the top of the building, the door to the roof open.

“Aish! You’re so ungrateful. That shit took me two weeks to write. Forgive me for thinking that you were precious.”

Jeno said, annoyed at the other for making fun of his effort.

“You think I’m precious?”

Donghyuck asked, a teasing smile playing on his lips. Jeno took everything back. Donghyuck wasn’t his love from a past life; he was the devil himself. Mark was an intellectual.

“Don’t say it.”

He warned.

"It isn't fair, my precious, is it, to ask us what it's got in it's nassty little pocketsess?” 

Jeno sighed, his shoulders slumping.

“I just told you not to quote Tolkien. Do I look anything like Gollum to you? Also, I think you’re too beautiful to be a stupid fucking psycho ring, Donghyuck.”

Donghyuck giggled softly.

“Keep ‘em coming. It’s not every day that the Lee Jeno praises a wandering scoundrel like me. Please wake up on this side of the bed every day.”

Jeno snorted. Why did he have to fall in love with such an insufferable brat?

“Naah. Your ego is too big already.”

He said, walking out the door to the ledge and placing his hands on top of it. He turned to see the crimson haired boy trudging towards him with slow but certain steps.

“Do you really love me?”

Jeno rolled his eyes.

“I’m doubting my mental state right now but yeah. I thought I was obvious.”

Donghyuck snorted.

“You are. Like that sleepover last week when you thought I was sleeping and nearly kissed me. Subtle shouldn’t exist in your dictionary.”

Jeno facepalmed. He should have trusted his instincts and not leaned down that night. Stupid Jeno. 

“Why didn’t you tell me you knew?”

He questioned.

“It was fun to see you squirm. Also, you should know better than to ask Mark hyung for help with lyrics. He talks when he’s sleeping.”

The universe hated Jeno.

That sucked but hey, the feeling was mutual.

“Now, come on, give us a kiss.”

Donghyuck leaned forward, his lips puckered cutely but Jeno refused to face him, resolutely staring at Seoul’s skyscrapers.

The younger boy whined and turned away, making a dejected noise at the back of his throat but Jeno grabbed hold of his wrist and pulled him flush against him. He gasped against him in shock but Jeno kissed him straight on the mouth, one hand rubbing circles into the skin of his hip and the other, cradling his face. It felt familiar to him but that thought faded to the background as Donghyuck sighed in content, putting his arms around his neck.

“I love you too, Spiderman.”

Jeno sighed in frustration.

“You had to ruin it, didn’t you?”

It wasn't love at first sight but the first time their eyes met, Jeno had sworn that the wind smelled like familiarity and love. His heart had beat to the rhythm of some unknown music he didn't know, yet recognized. 

_Hey, it's you._

That had been his first thought. 

They were each other's bildungsromans; their breaths a record of each other's lives, every moment since their first meeting crafted with a million colours that reverberated through the infinite lifetimes and reincarnations. 

_It's always gonna be you._

**Author's Note:**

> PS : Nohyuck were born as men in all their lifetimes because Fate is an Nctzen who hates homophobia. 
> 
> I love you for reading.. Hit me up on my [cc](https://curiouscat.me/Crimsun) or [Twitter](https://twitter.com/_Crimsun_)


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